Transforming Conflict

Transforming Conflict Professional Coaching Package

COVID did a number on our relationships. The isolation we all experienced surfaced doubts, heightened sensitivities and introduced new anxieties — everyone’s a bit rusty on how to relate well to each other (or even socialize). 

Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations can lead to loss of connection, shame, self-doubt, weakened trust in oneself, and even cost us the relationships we love most. Maybe you have a pattern of dodging conflict and creating new problems as a result. Maybe you look back and realize you lost a connection through unaddressed issues. Maybe you’re getting consistent feedback that reveals something you’re just uncomfortable with. Maybe you recognize that you cause pain in moments of conflict, and don’t want to do it anymore. 

We can find a way through this. 
More relationships end over what is not said, than they ever do over speaking the truth. 

If the truth leads to the end of a relationship, we may have outgrown the connection. While not all relationships are worth saving, every moment of conflict between people who care about each other deserves a full chance to transform those involved and the relationship itself. An ever-evolving relationship is a beautiful thing. Many of us dream of being able to approach conflict with ease, confidence, a sense of stability, and trust. It just takes a commitment of investment in learning the skills. 

It is fully possible to be closer after conflict… but, how?

I walk clients through a Five Step Process to excel at Transforming Conflict:

1. We name the kind of conflict you are experiencing. 

conflicts of violation (comfort zone, agreements, expectations, etc.)

conflicts of need satisfaction (seemingly opposing strategies to meeting needs)

conflicts of disconnection (disappointments, withholding of information, closeness, etc.)

2. We create some structure to make the upcoming process safe and empowering

3. We prepare you to move bravely into both the tender phase and the active phase of conflict transformation (more on this in sessions)

4. We identify your default self-protection stance (we all have one) and bring the corresponding tools to keep you balanced during a meaningful conversation

5. We practice communication skills – your authentic message, expressed in a responsible, compassionate, and empowered way that lets people hear it 

A few givens:
  • Conflict Transformation happens in real-time and in-person — not by carefully crafted email or text messages.

Our bodies communicate with each other. So, being together in shared physical space allows us to pick up the most crucial information about one another’s intentions. It helps us regulate fears through positive hormones like oxytocin, and supports us to truly understand and be understood.

  • Success is not dependent on how anyone else does/does not show up.

We only control our part — as your coach, I help get you to the place where you can reflect on what you brought to the situation and feel good about it. No matter what the other person did.

  • There are often larger social issues at play — yet, we don’t need to be bound by social scripts.

People of varying gender identities, racial and ethnic backgrounds, sexual orientations, socioeconomic experiences, religious affiliations, and even regional cultural norms will bring unique assumptions and perceived limitations to moments of conflict. In working together, we can happily shatter imposed expectations, while bringing something more authentic and health-enhancing forth for you. 

  • Meeting one another prepared yet unguarded is a journey of unknown outcomes — and therefore, an adventure.

When we release the urge to control outcomes (a common self-protection stance), we are free to meet what is truly before us. Only then can we experience transformation. Conflict is not about win or lose. It is about discovery: of the other person’s inner world, of our truest selves, and of what moves between us. Best of all, it can be about moving forward with greater awareness and deepening connection together. 

On my approach: 

I have experience supporting folks in transforming conflicts in their intimate relationships, in their families, with those at an organizational level, and with larger institutions. I’ve been coaching and consulting for over twelve years, and bring a culturally sensitive approach to my work with individuals. The same principles apply at all levels. So, clients can expect the work to be a place of dignity, respect, and equality. 

I offer this package to individuals, or as a customized Restorative Consulting service for groups, organizations, and educational institutions. For larger groups, Speaking may be the best fit. I am trained in and familiar with Talking Circles and Restorative Justice, but not in couples counseling. For couples support, I can make a referral to an excellent therapist.

Visit the Consulting & Coaching page for an overview of what to expect in Professional Coaching.

Facing and transforming conflict requires profound courage. Being willing to meet the moment with honesty, prepared but unguarded, gives us a distinct advantage in every aspect of our lives. 

Let’s get you there. 

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    Learn more about my writing and speaking on positive social change at my author website.

    Here are the basics to Getting Started in Five Easy Steps